Memories That I Hate

I started a blog (a different one) back in July of 2005, right after Zach was diagnosed. I have lately been re-reading that long ago forgotten blog just to really see how far we've come. It's motivating. But it's also very sad. Here is one of the saddest posts of the first few months after he was diagnosed. He is only 2 1/2 here. You'll have to excuse the language... remember that I was a very upset and emotional mommy at that time. I'm posting it to share the realities of living with Autsim, the pain that parents of Autism feel, and also as a high five to how much progress Zach has made, as thankfully life is not like this anymore for him, or for us. I have not written anything this sad in years. And while we still really want Autism to be gone from our son, and from our lives - we are not as emotional and desperate anymore.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Feelings of Negativity

So these feelings of negativity are creeping on up... I fully understand what some of my "friends" in the same boat as me with Autistic children mean when they say to take the good with the bad. Today, nor this past weekend were neither specifically "bad" at all. Actually they were pretty uneventful in terms of Zachary's making or losing any progress. But tonight we had a family cookout and it just slaps me in the fucking face mockingly how truly, truly different he is. It is so very hard.

While his eye contact is still improving, as is his responding to his own name being called - the stimming is just really starting to get me down. He spent probably 85% of his time over a 3.5 hour span jumping up and down. Literally. The obsession with phones was always there too, but thank God he has become much, much better there in that he can now separate from a phone without freaking out! And they aren't the one and only thing that he cares about any longer. But it's the jumping up and down that makes it so painfully obvious to any single person around that this kid is just different.

Matt seems to think that he will simply grow out of this with time. That once he's of age to consciously realize on his own that it is different - he will stop. God I hope so. Matt also points out that you don't see any adult jumping up and down, because of the point made above - that they realize that it's different and "weird". I truly hope that's it, and it's not just that you don't see any adults doing this because they stay in their house and don't leave or something. Negative thoughts... so hard to get rid of.

Zachary has also started to more frequently make this weird face. He will tilt his head up a little bit and squint his eyes half shut, while raising his top lip and moving his nose down. Hard to explain, but basically he is contorting his face and holding it for about 2 seconds. Why?

This is all a big pity party though... The only reason these things upset me so much is that they are the things that make him stand out/visually obvious to others. I HATE that!!!! I'll admit it - it's a little embarrassing, but it also makes me sick inside that it's causing people to talk about my little beloved baby boy. He's just a sweet child and doesn't deserve any of this. God, I'm crying now.

I want my baby fixed damn it. This is so unbelievably hard. A part of me is dying inside over the hurt and frustration and worry and fear of all of this. Take this away.