See the Boy Not the Autism
It shocks me that Zachary is nearing 5 years old on so many levels. What happened to my baby that was learning to walk? The little kiddo that first successfully pedaled his tricycle? The first day of his first time ever at "school" and away from me? The first time he said mommy? Isn't he still like, what - 3 or something? Nope. He's almost five. Five! And having a new baby around is aging my "little" boy so much faster.
The biggest thing I've come to realize lately is that he isn't indeed a little boy anymore. Next year he'll be in real school. Is he old enough already for that? Yep indeed. Weird. But while that simple fact alone stops me in my tracks, the overriding issue for me lately is that I feel cheated out of the last 2 1/2 years. And it makes me sad. When Zachary was diagnosed at 2 1/2 the world stopped, as is obvious, because we needed to figure out what to do. And then we needed to do it. And now it's been done. But in the process of all this doing we missed 2 1/2 years with our boy. Yes, yes - he was with us all this time of course, but did we actually see HIM? Not really. What we saw.... autism. Every little thing that he did or didn't do was measured by it's level of autisticness, if you will. It wasn't NOT measured, like every other "typical" child isn't measured. It was measured. And analyzed. And reported to no fewer than 4-6 adults to be measured and analyzed (his therapists/teachers). Every step of the way the kid's been under a microscope. He's never been able to just BE. And that is sad. So now that we have reached a point of exhales instead of deep inhale holds, I have got to start seeing Zach.
So for this Christmas season, and the coming months until the big 5th birthday, my sole goal in life is to start seeing my son. I don't want to measure him anymore. I don't want to compare how far we've come every 3rd day anymore. I don't want to fear the future anymore. I don't want to talk about him around him anymore. In essence, I guess I'm saying that I want to see, love, enjoy, celebrate and just be with the BOY that is Zachary. And not see a label. He has earned that.
The biggest thing I've come to realize lately is that he isn't indeed a little boy anymore. Next year he'll be in real school. Is he old enough already for that? Yep indeed. Weird. But while that simple fact alone stops me in my tracks, the overriding issue for me lately is that I feel cheated out of the last 2 1/2 years. And it makes me sad. When Zachary was diagnosed at 2 1/2 the world stopped, as is obvious, because we needed to figure out what to do. And then we needed to do it. And now it's been done. But in the process of all this doing we missed 2 1/2 years with our boy. Yes, yes - he was with us all this time of course, but did we actually see HIM? Not really. What we saw.... autism. Every little thing that he did or didn't do was measured by it's level of autisticness, if you will. It wasn't NOT measured, like every other "typical" child isn't measured. It was measured. And analyzed. And reported to no fewer than 4-6 adults to be measured and analyzed (his therapists/teachers). Every step of the way the kid's been under a microscope. He's never been able to just BE. And that is sad. So now that we have reached a point of exhales instead of deep inhale holds, I have got to start seeing Zach.
So for this Christmas season, and the coming months until the big 5th birthday, my sole goal in life is to start seeing my son. I don't want to measure him anymore. I don't want to compare how far we've come every 3rd day anymore. I don't want to fear the future anymore. I don't want to talk about him around him anymore. In essence, I guess I'm saying that I want to see, love, enjoy, celebrate and just be with the BOY that is Zachary. And not see a label. He has earned that.
posted by Team Zachary | 12:27 PM
1 Comments:
Delightful, thank you.
Best wishes
This is my calling card or link"Whittereronautism"until blogger comments get themselves sorted out.
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